(I’m about to use a silver-tongued Morgan Freeman to shamelessly try to make a post about feeling guilty for being a jealous sex maniac a little bit funnier. I pontificate a little about a minor sexual frustration, a really nice date, and then wonder what the F is wrong with me, because I’m still beating myself up for being a sexual being.)
The above is from a funny text of proposed punctuation marks. It really IS fun to read everything as Morgan Freeman, so let’s do that now. You are now reading Morgan Freeman’s silky voice.
Last Night, SeattlePolyChick went on a date with Traveler. They missed seeing each other last weekend due to out-of-town guests, and won’t see each other this weekend while he heads off on a guy’s trip. So this lovely midweek overnight food/sex/WoW date was planned and anticipated. The conversation was great over pizza, the hand-holding to coffee divine. But, as they headed back to her place, the conversation about his other gal resulted in SeattlePolyChick feeling a little jealous.
“There is a story about the Greek gods. They were bored, so they invented human beings, but they were still bored, so they invented love. Then they weren’t bored any longer, so they decided to try love for themselves. And finally they invented laughter, so they could stand it”, Feast of Love.
Traveler had met his Others kids this week. His Other had again gone out with Traveler and his wife dancing. Now, you may or may not know that Seattle, (we’ll call her that now), has been feeling a little insecure lately. She’s worried she may be the boring date. She’s been worried elsewhere about being replaced.
Great Date went to a fab music show with a hot young thing.. Traveler often goes to music events and well.. it’s not that Seattle wants to regularly attend these things or ever begrudges her gentleman from attending, but that she worries on rare occasions that she is the boring date.
Ain’t no silly in what most people remember”, Driving Miss Daisy.
Seattle tried something revolutionary. She said what she was feeling. She said, “I know this seems silly, and it is, but I’m feeling a little jealous about this.” Seattle explained that she is concerned that things are getting really good with him and his other gal and that she worries she will lose out. Traveler’s Other is calling him her boyfriend, and is coming to things with Traveler and his wife, and being included in Traveler’s life. Seattle worried that Traveler will become bored with her and that he wont’ have as much in common with or as much tying him to her. Basically, Seattle doesn’t want to lose her time with Traveler.
“I have to remind myself that some birds aren’t meant to be caged. Their feathers are just too bright. And when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up DOES rejoice. Still, the place you live in is that much more drab and empty that they’re gone. I guess I just miss my friend”, Shawshank Redemption.
Traveler listened to her. He smiled and pulled her to him and kissed her in the rain, which is noteworthy because he doesn’t like public displays of affection. He asked her if she wanted to be his girlfriend and then kissed her before she could insist that she wasn’t asking for that. He pulled back and said “you are my girlfriend, aren’t you? We’ve been seeing each other for almost 6 months now”. He laughed. She said, “People get tired of things.. like when they are just having sex and talking and stuff”. He laughed again and said “I guess that depends on the sex and on the conversations, doesn’t it? You are so funny about the mushy stuff”. He was right of course.
So, Seattle and Traveler talked and petted and kissed. They listened to music and connected sexually. It was a very good evening.. except for one small thing. It was uncharacteristically fast. Seattle had come very close to orgasm twice anyway, once in the middle of things before a slight mishap, and once right at the end as he climaxed. As many people know, not having an orgasm is not the end of the world, but it is difficult if you have come very very close. So, a few minutes later Seattle tried again just being honest about what she was feeling.
Seattle, in a strange twist, cannot orgasm with her own hand and had no devices handy. She kissed him deeply and asked if he could use his hand, just for a minute. It’s generally very easy to get Seattle to orgasm, and it had really only been a timing thing, so he seemed pleased enough to try. He seemed a little uninterested and quit after about a minute. She wondered if she’d done something wrong. He lay back, wrapped his arms around her and settled. She was confused and a little embarrassed. She had wanted a release but was suddenly shy to ask for one. She didn’t understand why he’d stopped. He didn’t seem upset. He was holding her warmly. He wasn’t falling asleep. His hand couldn’t have become tired that quickly.
“I find I’m so excited, I can barely sit still or hold a thought in my head. I think it’s the excitement only a free man can feel, a free man at the start of a long journey whose conclusion is uncertain”. Shawshank Redemption
Seattle lay back and enjoyed the cuddling and caressing but could not stop wanting. She was swollen and aching and embarrassed. She felt like an idiot for how much she wanted him to finish. She thought of the earlier conversation and didn’t want to be a bother. She felt embarrassed at her earlier jealousy and ashamed of how she felt now. She tried to think of other things and a few minutes later still felt little relief. She could not bring herself to ask what had happened or for his aid again. After a while she did calm as they had more good talk, not about her sexual frustration, but other things. They got up after a bit and played WoW together and had generally a very nice time. Seattle grew tired and they turned off their laptops and fell asleep entwined.
“People want me to do everything for them. What they don’t realize is that they have the power. You want to see a miracle, son? Be the miracle.” Bruce Almighty
In the morning, Seattle awoke just before the alarm. Traveler was sleeping with her to his back. He was warm and naked and she petted his skin. She felt herself rousing, and she wanted to wake him with kisses and intent. He was already awake and encouraged her petting. She didn’t push anything or initiate. She was nervous after last night and she felt bad about wanting him. She felt bad that she’d been frustrated. She chastised herself and said and did nothing.
After he left she thought about it for a while. Why had she been so embarrassed? She is not shy. What’s wrong with wanting your lover? Why would a man think she was a pain in the ass because she wanted him?
“I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul.” Invictus
“Forgiveness liberates the soul, it removes fear.” Invictus
SeattlePolyChick has looked before at her own slut-shaming. She’s been down this path but is not done. Somewhere inside she is still ashamed of her sexual appetite and ardor. It is perfectly okay to tell your lover that you want them. It is okay to have feelings and to tell your partners what you want and need, and perfectly okay for them to say no as well. It’s also acceptable to find another layer of things to be worked on in areas one has diligently explored. It’s part of growth to sometimes find deeper veins to explore, so onward she will go, uncovering and hopefully dismantling a little bit more of her internalized slut shame.