Perspective

I was craving love.

I went to bed last night really missing Hubby.   I regretted staying at the play space alone after a date and wished I’d gone home.  It had made more time and monetary sense, but I wanted Hubby. 

His trip to Cali got extended from Friday – Sunday  to Thursday – Monday because they have to drive.  He talked it over with me and it’s cool, but yeah.. that leaves a big hole in my schedule for both Valentines Day and Sunday and Monday of my 3 day weekend.

I have never really cared that much about Valentines Day, but yeah.. I was feeling a little blue this morning that I will spend it alone.  Three lovers and still it’s me myself and I.   This is a silly random thing to be blue about, but blue about it I was.  I went to bed last night kinda mopey, realizing I wouldn’t even SEE Hubby for a quick kiss and woke this morning kinda dreading my unplanned solo Valentines and my Sunday and Monday alone and with nothing to do.  Traveler has company in town and because of the short notice can’t plan anything until after Tuesday, and Great Date is already spending Friday and Saturday with me, (an awesome fist weekend together) so won’t be able to come a day early.  (He’s also got a lot happening in his life.. I’m lucky I’m getting his time at all right now.)

Then it sunk in.  I can do anything I want with that free time.  I owe no one anything.. no attention or time, no allegiance or activity.  Ohhhh.. the opportunities.  I can play WoW tonight and can spend Sunday and Monday reading my reordered copy of The Outsiders and painting and writing on my long neglected novel.  I can do nothing or lots of things.  I can make home-made soup and get back on track with my nutrition.  I can clean my house and play with my dogs.  I can sit outside my favorite bakery with a big latte and a delicious treat and no one will hurry me along or say it’s too cold or they are bored.  I can go to the gym or wander my island and work off that bakery treat.  I remembered how much I actually like brief bouts of solitude and how just last weekend I told Traveler that I needed to start planning a little solitary bit here and there because I’ve missed it.  I began to feel better.

Then I read polysingleish’s blog post on Valentines Day and was inspired.  I love me.  I will celebrate my long Valentine Weekend partially with Great Date and partially with

ME.

It has been a long long road to love me.  I have labored intensely to do so.  I had to grow and accept and change and learn and come to terms.  I had to actually become a better person and to see and acknowledge the good in me. 

My sponsor in a 12-step program asked me to tell myself that I loved me.  I still find that kind of thing hokey, but whatever.  I literally could not do it while utterly alone at home with no one in the world to see.  It was a break-thru the day I realized that if I wasn’t me, I’d date me.  (Wow.. I have a hard time breaking the seal on love talk even  to myself.. LOL.)

But yeah.. after lots of time and work I realized I would date me if I weren’t me.  I would want to be friends with the person I’d become.  I would want to get to know and would love me, even if I didn’t say it that way.  I love me and that’s the hardest earned, most precious gift I’ve ever gotten from growth.  Thanks for the reminder Polysingleish!