A while back I told readers that I had a genetic problem with BRCA. I tested positive for an abnormality of my BRCA gene that is strongly associated with breast and ovarian cancer. I was tested because I have a very strong family history of breast and ovarian cancer, and unsurprisingly I was told I had it. I slowly came to terms with it, accepting that while I didn’t want to have this, I wanted to know and to have surgeries to remove and rebuild my breasts and remove my ovaries to avoid getting cancers of my breasts or ovaries more than I wanted to have cancer and chemo and have these things taken out anyway because they were killing me. I’ve seen cancer. And honestly I figured I’d kill myself when I was ready if it came to that. I had this whole thing about how I want to be able to choose and to die with dignity. Anyway.. knowing I had BRCA was a chance to not have all of that. It sucked, but it also meant that I might actually live like other people. Continue Reading »
I feel happy and mushy.
NSPP is a Facebook group of approximately 700 people as of this writing. It is based in Seattle and is primarily a social/activity group. They host oodles of events and members can post events too if they would like. And there is a LOT of misinformation out there, judging from my emails. I have to admit I had some bad conceptions too, and I’m a member and have been to events. So I wanted to post this.. just as myself, to help readers. I am in no way official for NSPP. Everything in my blog is my opinion. And here is mine about NSPP.
First, how do people get in or find it?
I’ve written a bunch of blogs this week and not published a one of them. One is a rant about things and it just isn’t right, and frankly it’s boring to have this general rant. I wasn’t even able to get the gist of it right in person when I talked about it. Another is a long and rambling thing about processing fear that I’m pretty sure nobody cares about and I think I’ve already written anyway. And one is a gushy ballad of a thing about this incredible sexual experience. But I didn’t publish it, because really.. how many times can I write about that?
Sometimes writing is difficult.
For some strange reason my ex-husband has been on my mind a lot lately. It hasn’t been an angsty thing. For a little while now I have been able to look back with a more balanced view. I remember all the good things and acknowledge the bad with less pain. I would be friends with him if that were possible, because I miss some really great things about him as a human being, but I would never want to date him or any of that. And I do of course remember the hurts, but without that fiery ember. I’m not angry with him and I see it more clearly, the ways neither of us meant to hurt each other and the collision that was our end.
And maybe that’s why I’ve been thinking of him. For a long time I made myself crazy going over things and then for a long time I tried not to think of him much at all. But I can think back now. I feel healthier. I feel like I can see things more accurately.. all of the ways I contributed to things good and bad, and the ways he did too. Neither one of us is a blameless victim of anything and neither one of us were evil. We were both such fallible human beings. Have you had a break-up? Relate to this at all?
I have been thinking about the people that resonate with us. My ex used to hate this, that I talk about people resonating. I can’t help it. It interests me. I wonder what the effect was on us of loving each other. What did I leave there, after the healing, after the end, after all of our years, what’s he holding? For a while I couldn’t see him accurately. It hurt too much and I was angry. I know it was like that for him too. I could not imagine he knew me so little. It was crazy. But I was making him the angel and the demon in my mind when really he’s just a man. Continue Reading »
Quinky Girl and I had drinks last night and talked and talked and honestly I drank too much. I get all honest and shit and I think she does too. So I’m digesting today. It’s good stuff mostly, just filing things and looking at things. She called me on the lenses my fear gives me sometimes, enabling me to see the worst possible outcome and to talk myself out of things I know. It’s a self preservation thing.
And something else too. I asked myself what would happen if someone came along that gave me some of the things Traveler doesn’t as much. What if someone came along who told me all the things they think and feel and could give me all the sweet words? For a long time I would have said that I would have so craved that and so wanted that, that they’d turn my head. I’m poly, and I love Traveler, so clearly I wouldn’t break up or anything, but I would have been so enamored of that, so hungry was I for reassurance.
But I thought about and thought about this. I thought about this feeling that maybe some day “they” would come along and be more of that love I wanted and needed. But suddenly I’m not there anymore. I wish Traveler was more effusive, sure. But we both changed in this love of ours. We changed each other. Continue Reading »