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Words Are Wind

wordsSo, trying to iron out some things and I’m hoping that words are more than wind.  I FINALLY had some time with Cleveland after both of our trips, and of course, it was great to see him and spend time with him.  We had a nice talk and he made some promises.  His actions kinda said one thing and his behavior another lately, so we’ll see.  I’m trying not to read into anything and to give this a shot, because I love him and he’s worth it.  

And the honest truth boiled down to now is that either this relationship will be workable for all the people involved, or it won’t.  Fingers crossed.

Please please please… let words be more than wind.

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Love Makes a Difference

Oh my God.  Sexy times and realizations this past weekend… Booya!

I just wanna gush about a sexy thing from it, and YES I will stop all of this talk about critical soon enough.  I can’t help it.  It was wonderful and my heart is still open and raw and I want to pour all of this stuff out.  This time I’ll tell you about a sexy foursome.  I know some people assume poly people are endlessly having group sex with all of their partners and this could not be further from the truth ordinarily.  But well.. okay.. I did have an experience with some people I love.  Happy happy sigh.

foursome camping

I’ve had a good number of experiences with threesomes and such and an impromptu orgy once, but this was different.  I’ve never been with a group-sexual thing with so much love.  Well, that’s not totally true.  I loved Hubby and Rollergirl.  But watching a couple, or couples so deeply in love and with such passion, getting to be a part of it, was a unique and beautiful thing.  It was myself, another woman, and two men.   Continue Reading »

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Perfect Truth

It’d be a much longer story to explain how it all happened, and really I just want to say here, and maybe remind myself later, that I saw the absolute truth in things.  You ever hear of a moment of clarity?  It’s going to take me a while to process all of it, but I had a fair bit of that at the local Burning Man event Critical Massive.  It’s a weeklong campout Traveler and Quinky Girl, Jonah and I attended this past weekend.

perfectOn Saturday I had this perfect moment I wanted to record.  Standing there in the darkness just outside the lively Uncle Louie’s tent, holding each other and looking up into his un-breaking gaze I just KNEW… I knew everything he was feeling and it was everything everything I crave from him.  I felt like our hearts were just wide open and talking to each other.  The fire-burners blowing flames behind us, and the glowing lights and the people reveling all faded, just like the movies and there was only him and I.  Everything he has and hasn’t said just poured out of him.  When he told me he loved me, that he was crazy about me, that he wants me… all of these words had greater depth and import and meaning.

He was not telling me he loved me.  He was telling me with everything in him and reaching everything in me, that he was deeply madly passionately wonderfully in love with me too.  He said “I love you” over and over, and I said to him too, and added a statement that was not a question, “you are crazy about me.”  He answered “yes”.  I told him I could see it, that I’d glimpsed it before, but it was here in his eyes and his arms and not a meager glimpse. “You really are crazy about me too”.   “Yes.  Yes. Of course, yes.”  I don’t care that all of this makes me sound like the mushiest woman alive or that such proclamations will sometimes bite you in the ass…. Traveler is crazy about me, in love with me, wants me, wants to be with me, poured love pure and sure and I could not doubt it or think it was in my head or that it wasn’t real now if I try.  Such rare pure sweet times and joy are rare.  We are special.  We are important.  This is real.  We were talking, but it was beyond that.  We could not stop looking in each others eyes.  I KNEW every word out of his mouth was true as he said them.  I wanted it.  I wanted it more than anything, and it just came.

perfect 2He walked out in the darkness and to me and kissed me and hugged me and then pulled back, still touching me, like we were slow dancing, so he could look into my eyes and it was there.  I saw it before he starting speaking and I stood speechless and in awe that I could finally see everything in him that is in me too.  I know this might sound like ridiculous poetry or something.  But I’m so madly in love with him.  And he loves me like I’ve never dared to speak, how I never dared to tell even myself I needed him to love me.  I needed this.

I know that most of life is really about how we love others and it’s wise to find my joy there, and I do.  I make myself happy or not, and I know this.  But I DID need this from him.  It’s impossible and stupid, but I needed him to feel this and I felt he’d never do so and likely never tell me if he did and that had to be okay.  Traveler is most things beautiful and wonderful, but words are rarer with him.  He loves me in every way that really matters and of course I knew he loved me and I am shown this all the time, but I DID NEED this deeper thing with him.  I wanted not to need that.  I felt weak needing it.  I was trying so hard to be okay if he never said it, because it’s my relationship with him that matters and how we relate, and I’m ridiculously happy.  But it was an ache.

Standing there in the drizzle, the energy passed directly from his open heart to mine.  I need more and better words to say what that was like but I don’t have them.  I felt the doors and the caution and the fear just fall.  I felt like I’d been given truth serum and that it had made others have to be honest with me too.  I know that he is a man of reserve in most things and I imagine that we will return to the lovely way we normally are, when I see his love in his actions and his affection, but I will remember this.  This morning we held each other and remembered last night, and in daylight admitted that he really is in love with me too, and when we all got back to his house and had unloaded the cars, I kissed him goodbye.  We were both exhausted, and maybe his normal armor was missing, but it was still there, his open heart shining in his eyes and in the tender way he looked at me.  I ran back and said I needed one more thing.

I looked at him, just saying and doing nothing for a short span.  I said “it’s still there.  I still see it and I just needed to kiss you one more time while your heart is like this and tell you I love you, that I’m crazy about you.  He said he loved me too, that he was crazy about me.  He kissed me and held me again for just a minute and I left.  I came home, threw all the bags and camping stuff in a pile just inside the door and fell immediately asleep on my couch, my car keys still in my hand, I was that exhausted.

I just needed to record this for posterity.  I don’t know what the future holds for anyone or anything, and I know well how fragile and fleeting relationships can be, but no one and nothing will ever erase that moment in the drizzle when the man I love loved me so fully, so purely, so sweetly and so completely.  I want to see again and again the drops on his face, and feel those on mine.  I want the warm air cooling with tiny rain and the wet grass under my feet and the droplets on everything to be recalled.  I want to remember, always, no matter what happens, that this moment existed.  You don’t get a lot of perfect moments like that in life and I just needed to preserve this one.

 

from Google:
perfect
adjective
ˈpərfikt/
1.  having all the required or desirable elements, qualities, or characteristics; as good as it is possible to be.
     idealmodel, without fault, faultlessflawlessconsummate,quintessentialexemplarybest,
     ultimate
2.  absolute; complete (used for emphasis).  “a perfect stranger”
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Critical!

I’m at critical massive, the northwest burning man. It’s the lull between the day, and dinner, and going out tonight. Traveler and I are chilling with Quinky girl and Jonah and members of camp. And it’s perfect.
People are trailing off in their evening burning man wear, something a little bit hippy, a little bit fetish, a bit long skirt and a whole lot of shiny.

I have a belly full of pot roast and plans to have a good time, and we’re all a bit sleepy. We’ll rally soon.

I just feel content. I don’t care where we go. I don’t care what we do. Heh that’s an 80′s lyric.

Take me with you. :-)

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Am I Being a Bad Girlfriend?

 

a couple's feet intertwined in bed from http://1.bp.blogspot.com

a couple’s feet intertwined in bed from http://1.bp.blogspot.com

“Am I being a bad girlfriend?”, I asked while naked and laying on our stomachs.  We kissed and our legs twined together, petting each other with our feet.  We grinned and looked a lot at each others screens, exchanging kisses and congratulations.  We couldn’t stop smiling and his skin was so warm and smooth on mine.

Um… No.  There isn’t anything wrong with a little post-coital Candy Crush, is there?” 

*grin*

I suppose not.  ;)

 

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Trusting Enough to Take a Risk

So, I’ve been doing some writing and thinking and such about fear. I posted the other day about a fear eruption I’d had. I’m not sitting and stewing and living in fear, and I’ve actually still been enjoying the happiness of a week vacation with my sweet Traveler, but my fear boiled over twice now, and the strength and content of my reaction told me this was in large part about something else and I have work to do.

No, I’m not fucking crazy about the idea of Traveler dating again. I have good and bad reasons for this. I feel like he is a busy guy that can barely keep up with his current investments. He works a fucking lot. A lot lot. As it is with me seeing him twice a week now some of our dates are spent with him working. He doesn’t have time to have two full nights a week with me without doing work. He’s kinda important, you know? So, we get also a little extra time here and there.. maybe once a week sometimes, dinners after working in the yard, or an hour or two of WoW playing here and there while Quinky Girl works late or something, or talking as we clean the kitchen. It’s nice. I like this time filling of my “family battery”. We tend to get at least one date a week and some time on the second one with face-to-face interacting alone time and stuff like kissing and snuggling and fucking and talking, and that fills my “romantic battery”. I’m very happy with the amount of time and activities we currently have and I don’t want to actually lose it. I think that’s reasonable.

He can’t really afford to take the time from Quinky Girl either I don’t think. They see each other a lot, obviously living together and all, but most of their time is spent doing the business of living, like most people. Of course I assume they kiss and snuggle and have good moments even on those days when they are dealing with receipts and grocery shopping and working in the yard and planning their kitchen or whatever, but they have limited face-to-face time and I think she has a “romance battery” and “family battery” like I do too.

a love battery on hot pink from http://4.bp.blogspot.com

a love battery on hot pink from http://4.bp.blogspot.com

But.. this isn’t my choice to make. I can have this opinion all I want, but in the end Traveler will decide how he will spend his time and what matters to him and what he’ll invest in. If he wants to spend time he spends with me with someone else, I can’t fight that. I don’t think that is his plan, and I hope it doesn’t work out that way, but people do choose what matters with the choices they make about how they spend their time. Maybe he’ll choose to get a gardener and spend his time in the yard dating instead. Maybe he’ll get more efficient at paying bills and grocery shopping and cleaning and managing investments and organizing and all those little things people do and he’ll spend THAT time dating and not in separate-togetherness with Quinky Girl. Maybe he’ll spend the time he spends with Quinky Girl dating instead. I freaking hope not. Maybe he’ll stop taking all of his ski-trips and boy’s weekends and holiday-party-trips and family-trips and people coming-to-Seattle-time and spend all of that time dating. Shit, maybe he’ll learn to just sleep a whole lot less and date a night owl. Maybe he’ll find a girl to fuck only when he visits a job site he goes to every other month or so. I don’t know.

I can talk about my concerns rationally and reasonably or talk about what I feel, but in the end, I give him the freedom that he gives me. He can date or fuck or whatever anybody he wants. I might ask him not to fuck certain people if there are compelling reasons to do so, and he can choose to honor my request or not, and I can ask him for what I need for our relationship, but I might not always get it and there may be consequences associated with any action. That’s the way the world works. I don’t need to make rules with him, even if I could or wanted to. There are consequences for every action and I have to talk to him about all of this and then trust him to make the right decisions for himself. I make the decisions for me, and I choose him, but I don’t have to any more than he has to choose me. I hope he’ll consider me and Quinky Girl, and his friendships and his daily life stuff and his family and find a way to meet his needs and be happy too. If he chooses things that cost him our relationship and knowingly chooses them, well… them’s the breaks. Right? Continue Reading »

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Fear Is a Liar

fear liesI hate that I have to admit I need to again address fear.  I’ve learned so many times that overcoming and releasing fear leads to tremendous reward, but the fact that I have these fears come up makes me feel ashamed sometimes.  I feel weak and small and embarrassed of the wrongs I commit in fear, when I commit them, sadly like today.

I hate sometimes that I will always always have so much to learn.  I’ve mastered so many fears, overcome so many things.  Time and time again I’ve learned that getting through fear leads to immense reward, and I like that, but I hate the small selfish fearful actions and thoughts fear brings.  I can create problems where none exist.   I react badly and then need to make amends.  I know how to deal with fear but man do I hate that it comes up layer after layer.

I hate that it comes to me in my sleep sometimes.  I was wracked with agonizing nightmares last night about long ago violent things and visions of blood and death and fear.  I was powerless and vulnerable and abused in my visions, waking up crying and crying out, paralyzed for a moment and unable to breathe, not knowing where I was.  I couldn’t fall asleep then for a long long time, and when I did they came again, just as I feared, worse, taunting me, hurting me, bruising me, holding me powerless and afraid, an animal in the jaws of a trap.  My brain spun around madly for a reason to fear and focused on a very recent fear I have and worried it in its mealy little grasp.    Continue Reading »

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