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Divorce Day

***I wrote this the night before the divorce and didn’t’ publish it, but I’m letting it go now.  Partially this is because I just lost the draft of the other post I’d been working on, and partially because I think someone who is going through this kinda process might relate to it.  I’m sorry it’s so sad, but it’s just where I was at.  I’m doing a lot better again.  I think I was so emotional because it was the last step in our ending.  I have been already rebuilding and moving on for some time now, and it surprised me how fresh it all felt the day before and day of my divorce.  I think it was a “last gasp”, and I’m happy to say it is fading back to where it had been after months and months apart.  I don’t like that my marriage ended or the way it ended, but I feel like I’m making the best of it and the ways in which I am better off.

Quinky Girl did come with me that day and made a terrible day a little bit beautiful by being there and by her love.  Afterwards I had lunch and a few drinks with her and Chicago and Chicago Boy.  Later that night I talked to Cleveland and got a sweet message from Cleveland’s wife.  And later, when I was kinda breaking down again, I talked to Traveler for a long time, saying all the terrible things I was thinking and being loved through each one.  The next day I got up and felt better.  I’m not alone and I am loved.  I’m overall pretty happy again.  I have come a long way since Hubby and I separated and I’m back to that.  But I wanted to let this post go in case someone needed to relate.***

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It’s 1 am the day of.  In the morning I’ll head down to the courthouse and finalize my divorce.  Hubby plans to be there and Quinky Girl is coming with me, thank fucking God.  I didn’t think to ask her or anyone to come and she offered and I very gratefully accepted.

 

girl on bench

A girl sits on a park bench in a fall scene, looking at the empty place next to her.

Getting married you hardly think about the paperwork.  It’s a formality and a legal thing that pales next to the commitment you are taking.  Divorce is the opposite.  It’s all about the paperwork and it’s at 1 am that I can’t stop crying thinking of what was lost.  I’m getting flashes, like a damn movie of him laughing with his head back and his white teeth and the way his eyes crinkled.  I’m remembering dancing in a parking lot with him and how funny it was that he wore my engagement ring before he gave it to me.  I’m thinking of us blessing our dead baby, a fetus sitting in a dixie cup on a silver tray in an ER.  I’m thinking of the first trip we ever took together, to Maui from Oahu, and the drunken happiness of being with him.  I’m thinking of wrestling with him until we were both exhausted, and the way he cried the first time we had sex.  I can picture touching his belly, and holding him when his ex-wife took his daughters to the mainland and he was broken.  I can still feel his tiny kisses on my eyelids and his absurd glee about Jeep trucks and his first one, with the sound system worth more than the truck.  God.  I just can turn it off right now.  It’s almost over.  It’s really been over for a long time now, but it’s almost over.  It’s almost over for real.  I’ve let it come peice meal because otherwise it’s almost too much to bear.   Continue Reading »

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I’m Divorced

I’ve written maybe 7 rambling posts I’ll never post about this.  Today was my divorce.  It’s official. 

I’m kinda more of a wreck than I thought I would be.  I knew I was going to be a wreck, but I’m just raw.  I’ve cried maybe 20 times today.  I balled in my car, open mouthed wracking sobs after it was final.  I cried in the shower and in my bed, and driving to and from the trial.  I cried laying on the floor and in my chair.  I just keep breaking down last night and today.  I guess it’s my final pound of flesh. 

Quinky Girl came with me to the courthouse and was there.  Hubby didn’t show.  He said he was too upset and couldn’t make it.  Quinky Girl said that I just shouldn’t have to be in divorce court alone.  Thank God for that.  I broke down crying twice but it would have been way worse without her.  Chicago and Chicago Boy met us at West 5 and we had cocktails and lunch and I had a sundae.  It was nice to be loved. 

At the courthouse she told me she loved me and promised she wouldn’t stop.  She said a few times “You aren’t alone”, which of course is my darkest thought and biggest fear.  I’m incredibly lucky to have such love.  This divorce hurts, but it just has to.  I told her in the courthouse that I knew I was going to be okay because I have been before.  None of us gets out alive or unscathed, and my experiences have taught me that I will weather this too.  It is the last step with Evan and I, and it’s over.  It’s painful and sad and it really is a tragedy.  I never never thought this would happen and I don’t understand really why it did, but I also see that as painful as it is, there are good things that are coming from this loss.  The truth is that he wasn’t much of a partner and he was cruel.  I’m already rebuilding my life and figuring out what to do with myself.  And I’m happy most of the time.  

She suggested a ritual, and I think I want to have one.  I think it’s a good idea, but I’m not sure what it will include yet.  Talking with her about it I think it should involve the water and it should have beautiful words.  The water has a special thing for me and he proposed to me on the beach and we married on a bridge over water.  Suggestions?  I still have the hem from my wedding dress, and the gloves and cord from his dress whites that he proposed to me with.  Maybe something with that? 

Anyway.. it’s official.  It’s over. 

 

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Surprise Me

I felt like writing a dirty adventure.  An adventure, a dream, a fantasy.  Please do not read if talk about me having sex would bother you.  Thanks!  ;)

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God Damn.  I love how you surprise me.  You were full and we were both tired and I wanted to pet you.  It was so innocent, petting you while you were on your stomach on my bed, while you were on your computer, nice and sedate.  But touching you, oh man, touching you.. the electricity.  The buzzing heat boils over me when I touch you.  I could tell you were trying not to give into me and that made me hot somehow.  I wanted to win you.  I wanted to charm you.  My magic fingers began their work.  My fingers responded when you took in a breath or made a yummy sound, and I touched your back, your neck, your arms and your ass.  I ran my fingers over your legs and told you I needed you to be more naked.

Continue Reading »

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Craftsmanship

 

save loveA while back Peaches and I were talking about relationships.  We somehow came to the recommendation for ourselves to take note of the sweet loving affectionate mushy things our loves said and did that made us feel loved, and to remember them to pull them out when we need a little love or are spinning or down.  (She’s a spinner like me.)  Last night Traveler said a simple sweet thing and I added it to my little bank.

When Peaches and I first had the idea to save up those loving things, I thought about Traveler and I celebrating our anniversary.  He took me to this little place in Alki.  We laughed and talked and were cute and affectionate, holding hands and just feeling all warm and smiley.  He talked to me for a long time about how and why he loved me and said all the beautiful things I want to hear.  This is exceedingly noteworthy because he’s not a big “words” guy.  He says great things, for sure, but it’s not a thing he does on demand.  He’s incredibly loving with action and touch, his manner and affection too.  But I like the words sometimes too.  Ironically, in the same weekend Traveler and I celebrated, Cleveland said beautiful things to me too, at a dinner together in Capital Hill.  It’s been about 6 months since they said that stuff and I still think about the things they said then and since, throughout our time with each other.  I think about the things they do too, maybe more than their words in fact.

words

I’ve been adding things to my mental file.   When my loves talked about loving me, or wanting to see me more, or what I meant to them I remembered.  When they said they said the things they loved about me it unlocked places in my heart.

“My sweet Holly.  My girl”
“You know I’m crazy about you”
“I love you”
“I love having you in my life”
“I love how I can talk to you… I trust you and I feel safe”
“I love the way you feel things and process them.  You’re like a man, but with emotions”.  
“You are a fierce woman”
“I’d be spinning like a sufi if I didn’t have you”
“I love how open you are.  I can tell you anything”
“I don’t tolerate your sluttiness…I LOVE it”
“Hey sweetness”
“You are my family”
“I want a future with you.  I can see you being part of my life for a long time.  I want us to take care of each other”
“My Sister Wife”
“Do you want to help plan my kitchen?”
“To many happy years together”
“You’ve really impressed me with how you have handled all of this stuff in your life.  You are so strong.  I’ve been impressed with a lot of things about you.  I respect you.  I admire how you handle yourself.  I love being able to love you and being a witness to these things you are apologizing for”

I have so many more.  I pull them out and they make me smile and feel warm and loved.  I squirrel lovely words like a bird collecting shiny things for my nest.  I nestle in these beautiful words and I hear them any time I want to hear them again, in my mind.

I collect other things too; gestures and time and hugs and love and passionate connections and help and support and laughter.  I was just thinking about words because I added Traveler’s sweet little nothing from last night.  I love sweet little nothings.  I wonder what, if anything, I’ve said or done that my loves treasure.  Do you ever wonder how you resonate with others, or who’s mind you cross and when?  This makes me want to tell the people I love genuinely and often what they mean to me.

plautus

 

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The Spell Was Lifted

nina simoneI just had the oddest experience.  I met my soon to be ex-husband to sign some last papers for our divorce.  He came and brought our little dog, and I got to pet the cute little man while Hubby signed.  Afterwards we briefly chatted and I asked after our pets.  He had not after-all brought his girlfriend with him to sign our papers (as he’d planned).  I like his girlfriend, who was our dog walker for years.  She’s a good person and I think they make a nice couple.  But, as nice as she is it’s a little annoying that he’d bring her to sign for our divorce.

Continue Reading »

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It’s is the Point

Boss and I hit the “Bondage is the Point” party at the center.  This includes frank talk of sex and kink.  ;)

First.. a tiny aside.. happy happy sigh.  Traveler had a little unexpected free time tonight and asked if I’d like to do dinner and WoW.  Yes please.  It was a quiet little night and I loved it.  I always love it.  I said to Quinky Girl the other day (and sounded like a greeting card) that the most precious thing we give each other is time.  I revel in it.  I’m so grateful.  I’m so fucking happy.  I could not be more grateful.  Seriously.  Getting to see more of Cleveland, and more of Traveler and having a sexy sexy date with Boss!?!?  I’m just gushing over here.  Gushing.  See what I did there?

WoW woodsI just got home from Traveler’s and I’m sated and languid.  We talked and laughed over dinner at our favourite place, played our game, snuggled and called it a night and I couldn’t be happier if we’d had the most epic date ever.  I just love being with him.  I loved working in his yard this past weekend and talking while we did dishes and made dinner.  I loved holding him and sleeping tangled in a ball.  I loved playing WoW.  I loved being overcome with passion.  I love everything we do.  Okay.. okay.. enough of that.  I’m sorry.  I’m just so fucking happy.  I’m reluctant to repeat this gushiness here with Cleveland, but it is there too.  I fall deeper deeper deeper….

Now, on to the promised kinky fun.  :)

Boss and I had missed seeing each other on a couple of occasions and I’d been looking forward to our date.  The party that night was the “Bondage is the Point” party.  The description said “no impact” and talked about bondage kinda being the point.  Neither Boss nor I are super bondage people (though as it turns out he is actually very good at it).  You gotta love that he’s that good at his weak point.   Continue Reading »

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Looking Forward

I have done a fair bit of thinking about the idea of policing what I write… and you know… the problem with if it’s done not in moderation is that is that then this becomes a completely useless blog.  It’s not an outlet for me, and the people who do get something out of it get nothing and even then I could likely say some innocuous thing that will upset SOMEONE.  Someone won’t like to read about kink or someone will think it bad of me to talk about sex or think the idea of multiple relationships in the first place is offensive.  I CAN’T please everyone, even if I try.  I can work to be considerate and to learn, but I’m not sure that writing so that I never offend anyone is a good goal.

I can of course try to be careful not to communicate by blog.  I can talk to people the are affected before anything goes in here.  I can avoid details sharing info that isn’t mine to share.  I can talk about me and my life.  I can ask permission to talk about people.  I can give warnings at the beginning of potentially upsetting posts to people who would like not to read certain things and I’m willing to be careful not to write too much about some topics.  I totally can police myself, but I think I also need to do that in moderation or what’s the fucking point?  Why would I write a blog at all?  I can be careful, but to a certain degree it’s impossible to write anything remotely useful and at the same time say anything.  

So here goes.  I’m gonna talk about sexy plans and gush on a little in happiness.  Be advised.

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Boss and I are hitting a bondage party tonight.  Neither one of us is really “bondage for bondage sake” kind of people, but he’s planning a scene that includes bondage.  He sent me a titilating picture of some things he picked up.  One was duct tape covered with pics of kisses.  Huzzah.  Tittilation accomplished.  I had an email from an old beau, asking to be friends and then quickly devolving into his fantasies about some fight we had a year ago.  He said I might like to think I’m tough and kinky and such but.. blah blah blah.  Still threatened by kink I guess.  We fought a lot about kink and I wasn’t even doing anything that kinky at the time.  I don’t think I’m that kinky now either.  I mean I AM kinky, and I’m interested, but I don’t think I’m some special kinky person or something.  I’m a total nube in so many ways.  I’m still exploring this stuff.  It’s exciting and a little scary and fun.  And actually.. I AM kinda tough.  :)  

I’m so fucking happy.  I’m giddy with it.  I can’t believe the love in my life and the wonderful people I get to know.  I’ve enjoyed time with friends and time with family and time with my murder this week and weekend and I’m looking forward to the coming week too.  I feel like my relationships are deepening.  It’s scary and beautiful and wonderful to be falling more in love and to be growing closer with the people in my life.  I don’t know what will come of all of this anymore than anyone ever knows, but I know I’m enjoying it.  At this moment I’m not thinking of the future and forever and what it all means.  I am just in joy.  I’m revealing in chemistry and connection.  Everything isn’t perfect of course, because it never is, but that’s my kinda wonderful.  I like wonderful that is not requiring perfection.  

All I know at this moment is that my passions are being loosened.  I am intrigued and excited and overcome.  It just keeps getting better and better.  I can’t believe my good fortune.  There seems to be no bottom in sight in my desire and my passion and my connection.  It’s thrilling me in so many ways.  The conversations, the sex, the cuddling, snuggling, kissing, talking, touching, and love are just fucking amazing.  I’m so in love and falling more.  And I’m happy.  I hope it’s careful and considerate of those around me and I hope I do better and better, but I’m just not going to feel bad about being happy tonight.  I have a right to love this and to enjoy it.  I’m in love!  And I just, right now, right here.. I just want to enjoy this.  

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