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A Million Years Ago

shrek far far away

From Shrek- The Far Far Away Sign

A million years ago….

  1. I kissed you in the vacant lot and ran home breathless.
  2. I broke your heart because I wasn’t ready.
  3. I thought this was what relationships were and I didn’t know this was rare and special.  We danced all night.  We made love and when I called it that I didn’t giggle.  We said shit like “soulmates” and “forever” and I didn’t doubt for a second they were real.  Nobody had ever loved like we loved.  We sang songs to each other.  We took baths together and sat there until we were pruny.  You fucked her.  And you lied.  I felt worse about the lie because it meant we weren’t what I thought we were.  I walked away hurt and insecure.  I spent a decade feeling the image of you in an Indian blanket in our cold apartment, silent, as I dropped the key into your lap.
  4. I got her note. She was gone.  She needed to be with him.  She had a family back home. Wouldn’t I please understand?
  5. I fucked him at some party, the entire time wondering if the pool table took quarters… “mmmmhmm.. yes.. oh baby”.. does that pool table take quarters?  What is the mechanism to drop the balls if it doesn’t take quarters?
  6. I wondered if she’d ever love me back.
  7. I wanted to break it off but his dad had just died.  So I cheated. A lot. I felt more and more sick and when I broke up with him I thought I was doing him a favor.
  8. I couldn’t sleep with him because it would have been too real.
  9. She played with me next to my bed and I thought she liked me, but we never talked again.
  10. I liked him and he liked her and she liked someone else.
  11. He was a lot worse than I thought.  He was a lot worse.  He left a scar on my back from the event that changed my life.  He committed suicide years later, after hurting a lot more girls, and eventually going to prison.  He got out and killed himself.  I felt relieved that he wouldn’t hurt more girls and ashamed I’d been silent and hurt those girls.
  12. I waited a long time to touch him because I wanted to do things differently and when I finally touched him it just didn’t work and we couldn’t make it work so I broke his heart.
  13. He was my friend.  He was deeply honest and really flawed and fucked like a demon.  We talked about EVERYTHING with utter and complete honesty that wasn’t brutal because we bore no brutality.  It was the most comfortable I’d ever been with my body in his pure love of it.  You’re supposed to learn to love your body but I loved mine because he did.  We kept the lines really straight and loved each other for years, around and in between all the others, coming home.  We’ll never be lovers again, but I still consider him a friend.
  14. He left me for groupies and I met the women he’d cheated on me with when her boyfriend was cheating with me and I didn’t know it.  She and I were great friends for years.
  15. I loved him for his letters and got swept up in them and the things he created in them.  It was too late when I’d realized my mistake and I spent a long time trying to stick to my mistake.  When I could no longer be faithful and couldn’t be unfaithful, I left.  I like seeing his happy pics on Facebook.
  16. I never thought it would happen again, but it did.  I met him at Starbucks.  We shared a humor and a passion and loved each other through a million challenges and rewards.  We wrote love poems and songs and gave each other gifts of 100 kisses on post-its and notes hidden in lunches and suitcases and pockets.  For years I knew great love and great passion.  He was my best friend and I was his.  And we grew and grew and grew.  I wish I made him dinner more.  I’ve only learned that these past few years and I wish I’d learned it with him.  Some of the greatest and the worst days of my life were spent with him, and the love we had carried us through them.  With the end I wondered if I’d imagined it, but my box of letters tells me I didn’t. The passion never died until finally, that last year it did.  He told me she was too much and there was nothing left.  He wrote a poem based on a speaker we’d heard together when we were first dating, and redid it at times over the years to delight me. He used it again with the next women, which did not delight me. I don’t understand what happened really.  I make up theories and live with them and discard them because I’ll never know why.  I’m trying to accept that but it sits uneasily without ever having had my closure.  I read the things he said, to me, and later to others, the lies. He was intentionally cruel and admitted it.  And I’ll never understand.  That is not the man I loved. He replaced me and then replaced her.  He lied a lot to them too, and I’ll never understand it.  This is not the man I loved.  He is not the person I loved for so long and so well.
  17. In the midst of all of that I fell for him.  He seemed sweet and honest and clear, a relief in troubled times.  I loved his dazzling mind and the force of his love.  I fell hard and had a hard time letting go when the mask fell.  But I did.
  18. I fell for him so slowly and so well, my love sneaking in on quiet cat feet.  It took a long long time to know him and I’ll always be learning.  His kisses stayed dizzying, and his arms became home.  I love our adventures and our quiet nights and that we can get lost in each other doing absolutely nothing.  And then he told her he’d leave me if she asked him to.  I’m still not totally sure why it changed either, but suddenly all the things we were talking about for our future were different.  All of the little plans we were playing with were off the table.  He didn’t want what he said he wanted anymore.  Or he wanted it differently.  I wondered if I got this love wrong, if it wasn’t what it seemed.  I didn’t get it wrong.  It’s just complicated to live with all of our commitments and honor and complexities of life and history and it’s hard to navigate for women with a past.  There are a lot of moving parts.  It’s beautiful and hard sometimes, but he’s worth it.  Eventually it came that he would not trade me for the wishes of anyone on Earth, and I know it in my marrow.  He’s part of the family I’m making.  I sometimes miss the surety of when I was a girl, or think maybe other ways might be easier.  But then reality reminds me that relationships are always complicated.  Grown up love is complex and beautiful and long-awaited and deep… if you’re lucky.

I’m lucky.

shrek and fiona in love

Shrek and Fiona ride off into the sunset. From the movie Shrek and found at http://basementrejects.com/


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I’m Actually a Romantic

I have a cold, so maybe this is the meds talking.. but I have to confess that I’m a romantic.  Don’t fucking laugh.  I’m serious.

Even a poly girl.. shit.. maybe especially a poly girl is prone to this.  My heart is huge.  My heart is wide.

Even a poly girl.. shit.. maybe especially a poly girl is prone to this.  My heart is huge.  My heart is wide.

Traveler and I are deeply, madly, passionately in love with each other.  It took 8 billion years, but he says it all the time.  I’ve always been a mush who says it.  Such proclamations don’t come easy to him.  He told me 72,000 ways that he loved me and I finally heard it.  But I needed him to TELL me.  I need the words.  And they came.  They come more easily now.  I need him to say, out loud, what he feels and he does.

And yet, I’ll admit, I have a yearning.  It isn’t because of a lack.  It’s not because Traveler doesn’t go there or isn’t enough.  It’s because of me.

I want more.

I want to find my other love.  I want to watch TV curled up with her, or go to the library on Saturdays with him.  I want to be too lazy on a rainy afternoon together.  I want to hit the art show.  I want to say mushy mushy things to each other with our limbs entertwined.  I want all of it.  Traveler is mine.  He is fully and completely mine even if he isn’t mine alone.  And I am his.  I am utterly and totally his.  But I have this wide wide heart.  I have this well of love that constantly fills, and I want more.

cuddling girls

girls snuggling found at polyvore.com

Even after all these years in open relationships that still feels subversive.  How can I be so greedy?  How can I have this.. THIS!.. and ever want more.  Am I unsatisfied? No.  If the other loves never came I have to admit that would be perfectly okay.  I have my life.  I have my life with Traveler.  And it’s everything.   I told him the other day when we were laying on the couch just laughing and holding each other that I’ve never been loved like this.  I’ve never had a love that held me like that.  He holds me in a way that makes me feel like I am filling.  I am flooded with all the good hormones and I feel myself glow.

We were talking about nothing really, just laughing and petting each other. There wasn’t any music on and the TV was off and we’d be laying there just talking for a long long time and neither one of us wanted out.  I’ve never had that.  I’ve never had the love that doesn’t pull away.  I’ve spent my life apologizing for being too affectionate.  I didn’t know how much that hurt.  I pulled away to sip my wine and he curled around me the second the glass touched down, unconsciously and not breaking the stride of his conversation.  And I lay curled against him smiling and laughing with him until it was getting really late and we needed to go to bed.


I have more to give.

The trick is to remain open but not to chase it.  But I’m calling it to me.  I am a greedy lover.  I want the whole thing again.  The first step is admitting it.

I’m a romantic.


Really? Really?

Ugh.  Dating is the fucking worst sometimes, isn’t it?


I am feeling disheartened.  I really am.

I talked with this guy last night and had all this clicking all over the place.  He is smart and interesting and a good conversationalist.  I put out feelers for a nice casual friend for some adventures.

We talked late.  We talked so late I was late on a paper.  He just seemed.. kinda great.

So today we talked about meeting for a drink.  He was willing to come by my house and I made sure that he understood meeting by my apartment would not mean that there would be any sex, and that I hoped we’d have a drink and talk.

Hours of conversation.. all that talking about all kinds of things last night and this morning and then he cools.  He isn’t so into meeting.  I ask him about it and he says he’d rather not meet for a drink, and asks to meet at my place or his.  I say we don’t have to meet for a drink.  A coffee or a walk or a yogurt or something are fine.

More foot dragging.  Talk about it again and he explains that if I’m uncomfortable we can meet in public, but he’s met people from online before without the meet and greet and it was fun for all and not all about the sex.

I tell him I understand that not everyone does things the way I do, but I would like to meet and just talk without expectation.  When I have met people from online I had oodles of sexy talk with, often the click isn’t there and for me sometimes that is because I feel like there is an obligation or expectation and it’s just better for me and sexier to meet without expectation and let things take their course.dating2

He was rather petulant about it, and we thanked each other for the time.  Just like that.

So odd.  Why would you talk to a woman for hours and hours and then refuse to meet her for a drink if she would not promise sex immediately?   Wouldn’t it have just been smart to go, have a drink, chit chat and end the meeting with a kiss and maybe plans to play next time?  In the best case scenario you meet just for a drink, hit it off and end up together that night, right?  So weird.

What the fuck dating world?

I think I’m going to take up knitting or something instead or join a cribbage league or something.

You and I both know I’ll change my mind.  But right now I’m thinking.. fuck dating.  What a bunch of bullshit.


cat lady


Fooled me Once

I made an ad on Craigslist looking for a nice friends with benefits sort of situation.  I outlined some things I might like and said that I wanted to meet a guy for a casual fun sexy friendship.  The deal is that with school in full swing now I don’t really have time for lots of dating, but I would really like someone to have fun with here and there when we’re both available.

Part of me thinks this is profoundly greedy.  I have AMAZING sex and love with Traveler, and with our sexy friend Yarn Hooker.  I have a richness of sex and affection and love that is almost dizzying sometimes.  But.. but…

Here is the thing.  I see Traveler about 3 days a week.  Here and there we skip a day or don’t have sex when we’re busy or tired or something.  I don’t NEED more sex.  But I would like it. And there are things I enjoy or would like to enjoy that aren’t really Traveler’s cup of tea.  I’d like to have the experience of a threesome with two guys.  I’ve had OODLES of them with two women, and I’m a huge huge huge fan… but I’d like to try the other kind too.  And this doesn’t really interest Traveler.  I’d like to visit swing clubs and occasionally have fun there, and this too isn’t really Traveler’s cup of tea.  We’ve been a few times and generally it was fun, but he doesn’t like it that much (unless of course we hook up with a hot girl.. lol).  Don’t even get me started on my more advanced fantasies.

Again, I don’t NEED this, but it interests me and I’d like it.  I have a very high libido, but even I could be blissfully happy with 3 days a week of sexy times.  But just because I’m happy doesn’t mean I don’t have interest.  Then there are just little things here and there that I’d like.  And there are the 4 days or so every week that Traveler is with Quinky Girl.  I’d like to spend some of those days here and there having fun and stress release and connecting with someone else.

So I posted an ad.

Beautiful art by Alessandro Della Pietra found on fineartamerica.com

Beautiful art by Alessandro Della Pietra found on fineartamerica.com

Continue Reading »


Nightmares and echos

I don’t know.  I don’t know.

I keep rankling and I can’t really seem to even put it into words.  I can’t. I can’t. I thought and thought about what would make me happy and that was me.  I make me happy. Always. no excuses. no shortcuts.  radical.

I think and think all the things that went wrong, that could go wrong and that did and could again.  I cling to promises and words that evaporated when you were asked about them, meaning I guess that you didn’t really want them. were you placating them? me? I ask over and over and over again if I’m a fool. am I a fool? is this stupid? foolish? wishful? willful?

You told the truth and it broke me and you learned to tell a lie.  or maybe you were finally honest?  with you? with me?  I don’t know. You said this to me and that to her and nothing to anyone else.  Because you were trying to spin the sugar, but it’s so fragile and I can’t get purchase.  It have no scaffolding, no spine.  You’ll say what I need you to, what they need you to, and never what you mean.  I’m afraid.  What if you said what you mean?  What would break then? someone.

What if everyone actually said what they mean?  All these webs of spun sugar, spun glass, brittle, crack. Continue Reading »



It’s strangely hard sometimes to find a good lover.  The emphasis here is on *good*.

I’ve had a little string on failed to launch associations and some incredible luck that made it not sting very much.

Traveler and I are still playing with our friend Yarn Hooker, and we had a little State of the Union the other night that left me very very grateful.  We’ve all been playing a while now and had what I would call amazing fun sexy times.  But I like her and I had this worry come up.  It makes me crazy when married poly guys want to date me and say they are poly but have these primary structures making anything like an actual relationship pretty hard.  I like casual sex and play friends and I like dating and being open to love.  What I don’t like is people wanting all the benefits of being a boyfriend with none of the commitment.  I won’t get on that soap box right now, but suffice it to say I’m about sick to fucking death of it.

So, then.. am I being an asshole with Yarn Hooker?  She’s a smart, beautiful, sexy, talented woman.  I like her.  Traveler likes her.  She seems to like us.  Things are going swimmingly.  But.. but.. are they?  I started to wonder.  So I asked. Continue Reading »

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Absence Make the Heart…

I have a few posts I really need to write.  I have a review of an awesome kinky B&B to write.. and I will, but this one just came up.

red panda

red panda from reliveearth.com

I think I live my life to always be missing someone.  I was mucking about on Facebook and ran across a pic of my dad with one of his friends and he was smiling and looking in the camera and my breath just left me.  It’s not the white hot poker it was, but it aches sometimes.  Everyone loses their parents if they live long enough, so it’s hardly a novel experience, but doesn’t it always feel so singular and unique?

The ache for my ex-husband is mostly faded now.  I still have these moments or memories where I miss something we were, but I don’t miss being with him anymore.  But if I’m really being honest I have to say I’m not sure I’ll ever really be totally over that hit.  It’s like the arthritis in my elbow after I broke it.  You just get used to it.  I’ve moved on and he’s moved on.  He did what he pretty much always did, including with me.  He settled with the first girl he found and they seem to be building a nice life together.  I hope they are really happy.  And it’s nice to feel that.

Continue Reading »


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