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Longing

I think I’m a person that likes or needs a certain amount of time alone. It’d odd because I’m such an extrovert in some ways, loving the company of others, processing externally, all of that.  But I’m an introvert too.  I hole up sometimes in my little world and my little thoughts.  And as much as I don’t always love it.. I’ve lived my life to often be alone.

I spent my childhood by myself in my big empty house.  I’d watch TV and read with my feet on the heat register.  I’d wander the neighborhood at night, looking at all the activities in all of the houses.  Holidays especially.  Christmas nights I’d wander the neighborhood and see the families after all the guests have left.  I’d have spent the day with my father or mother, or more likely a friend in later years, and I’d come home and take to wandering the streets.

When I was married it was all the nights he had duty or was at sea.  I learned to like these nights when they were few, enjoying my own company and my pastimes.  You can’t be a very happy Navy wife any other way.

I’d think sometimes of the irony of being married and spending so much time alone.  It got to me when it was too frequent.  I spent a lot of time wandering with the streets with our dog then.  She was content to wander the streets with me for hours.  I’d watch the families and the people who sat in the glow of their computers, alone.  I had favorite routes and homes I looked at.  I learned to look at the real-estate listings for the homes I saw for sale.  I liked seeing how people lived their lives.

A woman sleeping next to an empty spot by Mardilê Friedrich Fabre, Jô Tauil, Marilândia Rollo

A woman sleeping next to an empty spot by Mardilê Friedrich Fabre, Jô Tauil, Marilândia Rollo

And now I spend a lot of time alone.  I have friends and diversions and some weeks so busy I hardly ever stop.  I’ll plan a night here or there to have my own company.  And then sometimes it’s a slow week, like this week, and I’ll spend just a little too much time to myself.  I did things a little but I came home alone quite a bit.

It’s okay.  But I start to long a little.

One of the weird truths of polyamory is that you will spend nights alone even if you have many loves.  It’s okay.  It’s healthy.  Being good at doing that is healthy too.  And longing is okay too.  I just saw him Tuesday, but already my lips and my fingertips miss him.

I’ll see him tomorrow.  So tonight I’ll curl up in my comfy bed that smells of him and dream of tomorrow, and maybe a little of sexy ideas for the coming week.  Because sometimes I don’t spend the entire alone after all.  ;)

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Unrest

I’m tired.  I slept about 3.5 hours the night before last and woke yesterday at 3am with a vicious nightmare.  The first nightmare in this little series about about a week ago and I woke gasping and trying to pull the plastic bag off of my head that had been there in my dream.  I was terrified and cried with relief to wake up.

Last night right before I woke I lay bleeding and dying on the floor.  I was in agony and everything in my body hurt.  I knew I was dying and I could feel my own heart slowing as I bled to death.  I was mostly naked and cold, on the hard floor and they were gathered around me, laughing and watching me die.  I tried to crawl away from them with the last bits of whatever I had in me.  I could tell that there were people past these tormentors.  People I cared about were impossibly far away and couldn’t hear me.  I didn’t want to die with these people.  I needed to get past them.

They’d block my path or kick me now and then, thwart my progress and laugh at how pathetic I was.  I was weaker and weaker but I couldn’t lay my head down here.  I would not let them have my death and I was realizing with each passing minute of my tortured crawling that it was inevitable.  My breathing was getting ragged and I was getting colder.  Someone stepped on my hand and crushed it.  I cried out with fresh sharp pain as the bones in my hand broke.  I cried dry tears.  I woke up to Traveler rocking me and telling me I was safe.  I held him to stop death and cried.  He was so warm.  I couldn’t stop crying for just a minute.  I have had a hangover all day.  I felt wrenched and wrung out.

At lunch I watched cat videos on YouTube and I had a brief and beautiful conversation with Quinky Girl where I got to bask in her happiness today and I smiled.  I feel like the weight has been lifting all day, but I’d still really like to curl up with ice cream and a movie that is so fluffy and vapid that half of everything is pink and sparkly.

I have a date tonight and I’m excited about that underneath my numb and I hope I’m not a shitty date.  I can’t cancel because it’s really early in our association and we just don’t have enough water under the bridge for flakiness yet.  He doesn’t know me and I don’t have any credit built up.  So I’m going to listen to more good music and make a nice meal and hope for kisses maybe.  I hope he’ll understand if I need to get to bed early tonight, even if it is the weekend and it’s been a while coming.

I don’t know that it’s the nightmare that lingers as much as the hour or so afterward that I stayed in my bed thinking and not being tired, afraid to sleep again.  I fell asleep eventually but it took a long long time.  I am feeling better in general and I feel like a lot of things are working out, but I don’t have solutions or even ideas for solutions for some things.  My mind worries thoughts like a sore tooth because I just can’t see my options.  It feels like there are spots here that have a very thin crust.  But maybe that’s just the voice in the dark.  I think it might be.

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No Tit for Tatty

It’s easy to get panties in a bunch when we are titting-for-tatting or feeling we aren’t getting the whole story.  It’s easy to create a rivalry that doesn’t exist if we make it seem like the unfair or unpleasant things come from someone else.  People start to feel like “hey, wait a minute”.. and our brains work to create problems that don’t exist because we humans are good at finding explanations for our feelings.

Old hats in a black and white pic hang on a hat stand from https://k0nsl.org/blog/k1/uploads/2013/08/tit_for_tat_k0nsl.jpg

Old hats in a black and white pic hang on a hat stand from https://k0nsl.org

For example: If you tell me that you are going out with someone and you are excited and like this and that and expect this to happen, and you go and have a good time and roughly the things you said would happen happen, I feel safe and included and informed and like I’m on the inside.  I am informed and feel no need to guess or create explanations for my feelings of uncertainty.  I know the facts.  I’m good.

If however, you try to spare my feelings by saying you’re going out with this person but you don’t know really if you feel like it and this person isn’t really all that appealing and nothing is gonna happen, and then you go out and things happen and you clearly are pretty nuts about them, I get scared.  You’re managing me.  You’re trying to downplay what you are feeling or what you want and it doesn’t match what you are telling me.  This makes me feel I can’t trust you and I am on the outside.  I feel scared and not included.  My brain works to explain the gap between what I am being told and what I am observing.  I feel unsafe.

Soooo many times when I communicate poorly I do this.  Continue Reading »

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More

Relationships. Oi Vey.  We’re working out good things and it’s hard but good work.  So, let’s just talk about sexy adventures instead.  Except for this one thing… this one huge thing.  Traveler did it again a few times now, talked about me as one of his two partners.  He said it a couple of ways now.  Holy shit holy shit holy shit.  Happy.  I’ve literally been smiling at random times just thinking about it.  Now.. on to other stuff…

I met someone new,and I don’t wanna jinx it or read into it, so I’ll just say I’m excited.  What is it?  I dunno.  What could it be?  Not sure.  But it’s fun to have hope.

coins shine in a wishing well

coins shine in a wishing well

As you might know, Traveler and I are entertaining sexy adventures with women.  It’s been fun to dream and wish and fun to have a little play.  We had some very nice sexy times with my friend and have some dreams about another friend who is also maybe a little interested.  She and I talked about not wanting to muck up our beautiful budding friendship and reassured each other.  I don’t know what that’ll be, but I’m hopeful.  Aside from being cool as hell she’s so fucking sexy.  And she and Traveler have mutual admiration too.  Squee! Continue Reading »

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Tug of War?

We are officially not in the land of new relationships and it’s complicated sometimes.  Sometimes we do it very well and sometimes we fumble a bit and work to figure it out.  Traveler and I had a little fritzy-bit, nothing huge, but just a thing between the two of us and something we worked out.  And then another totally unrelated one a little after.  It seems simple at first, but it’s actually not.  I just wanna share how sometimes the answer isn’t a simple thing with one person right and one person wrong.

I was a little nervous about some new social engagements and Traveler very sweetly said he’d go to a couple of the things with me, one of which was Monday and one of which was coming up next weekend.  Then when we were planning our week this week he remembered and said that he’d come with me and said he’d like to come stay the night with me after.  I reminded him that Quinky Girl would be going too, and that was awesome.  We’d all go and he and he and I would come home together after. Cool.  I have to admit it’s nice to get to get the one he comes home with after a nice night where we all hung out.  It’s not a date but just a normal night and I get to have that too.  Kinda awesome and rad that such things aren’t just the domain of Traveler’s one partner.

That morning he asked me to pick up something for him for the potluck when I ran to the store.  He said to run it by Quinky to be sure we didn’t mess up whatever her plan was.  Excellent.  Good idea.  But I forgot to run it by her until the last minute and she was rushing out to get her things done and wasn’t able to coordinate with me.  She thought we’d all just all do our own thing but she didn’t know because I’d fucked up and not told her that Traveler had asked me to get stuff for him.  She and Traveler had worked out something after Traveler and I working out our thing that morning, but I didn’t know what.

Had she just told him what she was bringing and he still expected me to pick up what he’d asked me to, or had he talked about what he’d asked me to pick up and she was getting it now?  Or were they just doing something different?.  She was driving and couldn’t answer.  I was at the store and needed to make a decision.  Do I buy the stuff he thought he might want me to get but wasnt sure about or not?  I asked him.  He was at work and didn’t answer.  Shit.  I waited and the store and tried a little more but wasn’t able to reach anyone.  Okay.. no big deal.  I’d just buy what he’d asked me to and if we had too much or the wrong thing it’s not a big deal. Shrug.

Then he pops up and we make a plan.  He’ll be at my house by 645 to drop off his car and we’ll go back to his house to get Quinky since her dish would take a little more time.  Great.  I ran home and heated my meatballs fast.  I get ready super fast and end up waiting.  Around the time he’s supposed to be at my house he pops up again and says that Quinky’s dish is baking but will take a little longer and they’ll be ready at 730.  Um. Okay.  I ask “are you not coming here to drop off your car anymore?”  No answer.  Does he need to watch the oven?

He could still come here to drop off his car since the mushrooms will need almost an hour.  It’s 6:39 and he’s saying they’ll be done around 7:30.  I ask if he and Quinky are caravanning here then on the way to the potluck because he said he’d take the bridge and I live by it.  Are they dropping off his car later?  No answer.  I’m a little annoyed.  What happened to our plan?  Why is he not telling me anything?  I guess the plan changed.

I sat there waiting some more.

Two people made out of boxes engage in a tug of war.  From http://www.heritageradiott.com

Two people made out of boxes engage in a tug of war. From http://www.heritageradiott.com

Continue Reading »

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Sexy Times Are Lovely Learning Experiences

It’s been mostly real and hard to talk about lately.. good stuff.. just deeper and harder to say, closer to the chest. And then there is sexy adventure.  ;) Traveler and I took a vacation to Idaho for skiing and had a wonderful time. It was so bonding and so wonderful.  All the good talks and all the good meals and all the fun was had.  It was nice just to be together, marveling at the joy of just having time.  red head waterAnd we met our lovely smart funny sexy blogger friend.  The conversation was one of those great ones that is all over and we soon talked like old friends, excitedly sharing info and relating.  It was one of those conversations were I learned a lot of Traveler’s thoughts too on things.  And she was so very sexy, mesmerizing with her beautiful mind and sexy hourglass curves and the enticing slant of her smile. I worry a little that I pushed things maybe further than they were naturally though.  It seemed like flirting and fun were welcome and the kisses fiery and sweet and everyone consented to and seemed to enjoy everything.  Late into the night we found ourselves naked and playing, Traveler and my friend and me. and it was all good, wonderful even, beyond the orgasms and the excitement, but I worried maybe I pushed things.  I would have been happy to just have those kisses, and it was hot, all of it, the kisses and play and all the sexy times that came after, but it’s just something I’ll think of in future situations, to not push so much because I’d rather be left with no doubt and be sure that nobody ever feels pushed and that no hesitancy, however minor, is ignored.  Everyone seemed to have fun and in the morning we all checked in and were good.  In no way was the evening or all that happened a bad thing.  I just want to be sure I always learn what I can. I love what threesomes teach me about myself, about someone new, and about my partner.  I’m still processing good things.

A redheaded woman reclines in the water, from pinterest.com

A redheaded woman reclines in the water, from pinterest.com

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I don’t want to go home

Traveler and I are on our last night of vacation and I’m dreading going home.  It’s back to normal life, which is good, but it’s not as good as vacation life.  We’ve had 3 days together.  It’s so amazing to have all this time in a row, breakfasts and chats and laughs and fun.  He’s traveling a lot for work in the next two months and that will be challenging for all of us.  I missed him on his last trip and the few days he was home before we took off and I’ll miss him next week.  Basically, when I’m not with people I love, I miss them.

A pin up girl poses with her ski poles and boots and a jaunty fuzzy hat

A pin up girl poses with her ski poles and boots and a jaunty fuzzy hat

I like missing people a little, and find it bittersweet.  But I’m not a fan of the super long and terrible missing I did sometimes as a Navy wife, and I don’t think Traveler being gone more weeks than he is home is gonna be good.

So for now I’m soaking up the time and the snuggles and the kisses and talks and sex.  I forgot how good vacation sex is.  It’s so nice to wake up whenever and to get randy soaking in the hot tub or putting lotion on our dry skin and sore muscles from skiing.  I love getting frisky in the kitchen and making the dinner wait.  I love languid loving after a well deserved nap.  I love thinking we’re too sore and tired and finding that we are not.  I don’t understand how it’s getting better, the chemistry with us, but it is and I’m not gonna examine it too hard.  It’s a blessing.  We have our rhythms and our routines and I love that.  I love being with someone long enough that you can push each other’s buttons so well, and I love breaking those routines too.

I love the time that isn’t strictly datey.  I’m always a fan of it, working in the yard and running errands and living a bit of our lives together. And here I love the grocery shopping we did to cook in our vacation rental.  I loved the driving and the long stretch of road from Boise to Sun Valley Idaho.  I love asking each other to fetch a roll of toilet paper and playing bananagrams at 11pm.  I love cooking together and cleaning the kitchen together, laughing about everything and nothing.  I love canceling our fancy dinner reservations to eat pizza in our pajamas together.  I love petting his belly while he plays his internet game and falling asleep while he’s showing me a replay of his battle.  I love the time.. sweet precious limited wonderful time.  I even loved a brief tiff about the contents of a writing we did together.

Something precious in poly is this time and space to do what couples do.  We get that, but a few whole days of it in a row is precious.  You can get and make more of almost anything but your time and attention.  And it’s just so damn nice to not, for these precious days, have to say goodbye.  You cook and laugh and love and do things together and you miss one less person that you love.   I don’t mind the missing most of the time, but it’s so damn nice to not miss Traveler for just these days.  I’m not going to lie.  I could almost pretend that we could stay like this and there is a part of me that wishes.

But, I’m happy.  I’m happy here and I’m happy at home.  I keep thinking it over and over and over.  I’m so lucky.  I’m so lucky.  I’m lucky here on our vacation and I’m lucky at home.  Still.  I don’t wanna go home.

A funny pin-up girl skis down a hill with her arms splayed out behind her

A funny pin-up girl skis down a hill with her arms splayed out behind her

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