I really should be asleep but my mind is churning. It’s been a perfect storm for Great Date and me. He’s been sleep deprived and traveling, crazy busy, off his routines and nutrition, and going through lots of change. I have a huge annual project coming to a close tomorrow and I’m on an interview committee, making a handbook, preparing for a huge inspection, getting shuffled at work, extending my work day, and moving into a new playspace. Oh, and processing jealousy and I’m still trying to work my marriage back from the edge. I’m frazzled.
So, very long term readers might know that when I’m on edge like this I crave a good hard fuck and/or a great bath or hottub. The expression I use the most is “fucked until I can’t breathe”. Half of today and a good portion of yesterday
I was thinking about asking Great Date to just use and abuse me. I want to walk into his house and have him just throw me across the bed, roughly pull down my pants and my panties, push my face onto the mattress by my hair and fuck me. We flirted hard core and it was pretty damn hot.
Then, stupidly we had an ill advised chat conversation we’ve spent the last two days trying to unravel. I’m still kinda tender from it. We aren’t breaking up and we love each other, but it may fundamentally change things. It has me thinking about what I want and need and big pic items. I’m shifting my thoughts on some things and wondering what does this and that and this mean? The truth is that absolutely none of this needs to be worked out now, and it’s going to take me time, but it’s hard not to think about it.
I have been thinking that we’ve been building something and I’ve enjoyed talking about all sorts of things related to our future, and suddenly it’s this painful thing. When I woke up this just descended back down on me. I thought we were in the same place, but we really aren’t. He was sort of musing and has woken up and sees that on his end it was all just fantasy stuff and he would like to stop dreaming about it and talking about it. He is more in a place for sowing his oats, and he feels he can’t both sow his oats over here and dream of or build anything over here with me right now.
He isn’t saying his love for me is fantasy, just that the plans we were dreaming up were. The problem is that it wasn’t all just fantasy to me. So, here I am, out there alone, exactly where I never want to be. I’m left with the tatters. I knew it was a mistake to go there mentally, but I thought it was safe and he was really there with me, so I went there. Honestly I feel kind of abandoned. It’s not fair, but it’s true.
It’s a nightmare to me to step out here like this.. saying all my dreams and putting voice to my fantasies and have the person I was so exposed to say that they just don’t want to talk about this stuff anymore because it was all illusion to them. I have no choice but to respect it. I can’t make them want a future with me or want to talk about it for real. I thought they were, but they weren’t, and I accept that.
I feel stupid and alone and scared and I don’t know if I even have a right to. Why did I think it was safe to go there? I thought we’d work out the details together, and it comforted me to think we were on this path, even if I didn’t exactly know where the path was leading yet. I just knew I wanted to be walking with him. It doesn’t change anything real that we can’t talk about this stuff for now or that I really want it and it’s illusion to him, but it is painful.
The worst part is that I don’t know how much of this is lack of sleep and stress and reaction and just being human. I can’t stop tearing up hearing him say that all that stuff. I am so afraid to invest in people and it’s so hard to say I love you or I want you or I want a future with you because I’m scared I will scare off the people I care about or they will feel pressured or just not feel that with me too and I’ll be standing there alone. I don’t usually entertain this stuff because it’s dangerous. THIS is everything I fear. I want to put up my little shell and be un-vulnerable and impenetrable. I want to say I was just kidding or it was an illusion to me too.. oh how silly we were.. tra la la. I want to tilt my head back and laugh because it’s all really just good fun and I wasn’t serious either. It’d be a lie, but a really comforting one. I am very very good at lying this way. “Oh that old thing (grabbing my vulnerable little tatters), that was NOTHING. I’m breezy and silly and light too.
The truth is that none of this really matters. It will all pass. What matters is today, and that’s good. The biggest day of my work year is today. I’m gonna shower and turn it on. Now, buck up. Smile!
I met PolyV, Great Date’s new gal, yesterday. She’s lovely. He was right too, she’s prettier than her OKC pics. She seems lovely inside and out actually. Go Great Date!
She told Great Date she’d like to talk to me, when he told her a teensy bit of how I was afraid and struggling a bit, and that he’d like to temporarily limit their dating time to two days a week or less, including coffees dinners and working together from home. This is a temporary thing he did to help me have a little time to adjust and to have them go just a little slower for a little while. Read more…
A long time ago, when we first opened up, I was reading everything I could get my hands on about polyamory and open relationships. I read “Sex at Dawn” and “Opening Up” and “The Ethical Slut”, the gold standards of poly/open/swinger lit. I spent oodles of time at Polyamory.org, reading the message boards. I went to munches and meetups and potlucks. Back then, I heard this analogy that jealousy is kinda like cake.