It’d be a much longer story to explain how it all happened, and really I just want to say here, and maybe remind myself later, that I saw the absolute truth in things. You ever hear of a moment of clarity? It’s going to take me a while to process all of it, but I had a fair bit of that at the local Burning Man event Critical Massive. It’s a weeklong campout Traveler and Quinky Girl, Jonah and I attended this past weekend.
On Saturday I had this perfect moment I wanted to record. Standing there in the darkness just outside the lively Uncle Louie’s tent, holding each other and looking up into his un-breaking gaze I just KNEW… I knew everything he was feeling and it was everything everything I crave from him. I felt like our hearts were just wide open and talking to each other. The fire-burners blowing flames behind us, and the glowing lights and the people reveling all faded, just like the movies and there was only him and I. Everything he has and hasn’t said just poured out of him. When he told me he loved me, that he was crazy about me, that he wants me… all of these words had greater depth and import and meaning.
He was not telling me he loved me. He was telling me with everything in him and reaching everything in me, that he was deeply madly passionately wonderfully in love with me too. He said “I love you” over and over, and I said to him too, and added a statement that was not a question, “you are crazy about me.” He answered “yes”. I told him I could see it, that I’d glimpsed it before, but it was here in his eyes and his arms and not a meager glimpse. “You really are crazy about me too”. “Yes. Yes. Of course, yes.” I don’t care that all of this makes me sound like the mushiest woman alive or that such proclamations will sometimes bite you in the ass…. Traveler is crazy about me, in love with me, wants me, wants to be with me, poured love pure and sure and I could not doubt it or think it was in my head or that it wasn’t real now if I try. Such rare pure sweet times and joy are rare. We are special. We are important. This is real. We were talking, but it was beyond that. We could not stop looking in each others eyes. I KNEW every word out of his mouth was true as he said them. I wanted it. I wanted it more than anything, and it just came.
He walked out in the darkness and to me and kissed me and hugged me and then pulled back, still touching me, like we were slow dancing, so he could look into my eyes and it was there. I saw it before he starting speaking and I stood speechless and in awe that I could finally see everything in him that is in me too. I know this might sound like ridiculous poetry or something. But I’m so madly in love with him. And he loves me like I’ve never dared to speak, how I never dared to tell even myself I needed him to love me. I needed this.
I know that most of life is really about how we love others and it’s wise to find my joy there, and I do. I make myself happy or not, and I know this. But I DID need this from him. It’s impossible and stupid, but I needed him to feel this and I felt he’d never do so and likely never tell me if he did and that had to be okay. Traveler is most things beautiful and wonderful, but words are rarer with him. He loves me in every way that really matters and of course I knew he loved me and I am shown this all the time, but I DID NEED this deeper thing with him. I wanted not to need that. I felt weak needing it. I was trying so hard to be okay if he never said it, because it’s my relationship with him that matters and how we relate, and I’m ridiculously happy. But it was an ache.
Standing there in the drizzle, the energy passed directly from his open heart to mine. I need more and better words to say what that was like but I don’t have them. I felt the doors and the caution and the fear just fall. I felt like I’d been given truth serum and that it had made others have to be honest with me too. I know that he is a man of reserve in most things and I imagine that we will return to the lovely way we normally are, when I see his love in his actions and his affection, but I will remember this. This morning we held each other and remembered last night, and in daylight admitted that he really is in love with me too, and when we all got back to his house and had unloaded the cars, I kissed him goodbye. We were both exhausted, and maybe his normal armor was missing, but it was still there, his open heart shining in his eyes and in the tender way he looked at me. I ran back and said I needed one more thing.
I looked at him, just saying and doing nothing for a short span. I said “it’s still there. I still see it and I just needed to kiss you one more time while your heart is like this and tell you I love you, that I’m crazy about you. He said he loved me too, that he was crazy about me. He kissed me and held me again for just a minute and I left. I came home, threw all the bags and camping stuff in a pile just inside the door and fell immediately asleep on my couch, my car keys still in my hand, I was that exhausted.
I just needed to record this for posterity. I don’t know what the future holds for anyone or anything, and I know well how fragile and fleeting relationships can be, but no one and nothing will ever erase that moment in the drizzle when the man I love loved me so fully, so purely, so sweetly and so completely. I want to see again and again the drops on his face, and feel those on mine. I want the warm air cooling with tiny rain and the wet grass under my feet and the droplets on everything to be recalled. I want to remember, always, no matter what happens, that this moment existed. You don’t get a lot of perfect moments like that in life and I just needed to preserve this one.
1. having all the required or desirable elements, qualities, or characteristics; as good as it is possible to be.
2. absolute; complete (used for emphasis). “a perfect stranger”
, in every respect, unalloyed