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The Crystal Ball Broke


 

It starts out whole, crystal clear and flawless.  It begins.  It is honed and shined and unblemished.  You made it and it’s beautiful. And then it comes, the first little crack. You said that and they knew what you were doing.  A small occlusion from the jarring.  But it wasn’t that bad. The sun still glints the same way.  The ribbon of refracted light is still perfect.

crack.

crick.

crack.

broken glass

mgtvwsls.files.wordpress.com

And the light bends.  The rays just don’t fall the same.  You’re losing colors..violet.. blue.. fading in your rakishly high tales.  It’s still shiny and see through.  It’s still beautiful.  It’s still a treasure.  The weight and heft are left.  The shape is still smooth.  You can see the ribbon in there but we all think it’s okay.  It’s just the tiniest bit of damage.  And you’re sorry.  That was a one time thing, right?  We were just scared or sorry or confused or not ready.  We were thoughtless.

snap.

crack.

The little bitty cracks add up though.  Each one is like a teeny ball peen hammer.. ting… ting…

It’s a small deep crevice there in the middle.  The rainbow leaves.  But it’s still bright.  It’s still light.  It slides and tumbles in your hand. We whistle in our fake nonchalance.  It’s fine.  It’s fine.  Still so smooth.  But is that a rift?

CRACK!

snip.

tinkle.

The rift has reached the edge and you can feel the craze.  Your fingers worry it like a loose tooth.  They run over it and over it but they can’t make it smooth.  It’s there.  And you’re losing light.  It’s getting trapped in there, bouncing around off of the things you broke, the jagged edges in there.  You tell another one.  It’s easier now and though the consequences are more dire, you’re less concerned.  Do you not see it?  Or do you just care less?

CRACK….. snap… tinkle.

A sliver is shaved off and falls.  The rift has veins in several directions now, so much closer to the surface, and the ragged creviced edge has its own facets.  Do you not know how to stop it?  Do you not see it?  A whole side is gray and lifeless, unreachable.  The light that enters mostly dies.  And it feels inevitable, doesn’t it?  You say another one, another.  You can’t even smile while you do it anymore, can you?  Do you shrug?  Do you sting?  Is it like you can’t help yourself? Or are you numb?

We point our palms at the ground and our walk works to pulverize the shards.

 

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Slaughtering the Goat


goat happy

from blogs.discovermagazine.com

I had plans to have hot sexy times today with the new guy, Diesel.  He got back from Alaska early and asked if I could meet up Wednesday.  I actually could have, but I had just started my period that day.  I love period sex.  Don’t get me wrong.  But.. this would be like the 3rd time we’ve slept together and the first day of my period.

Girls, is it just me or is that the worst time?

I like period sex actually and know many women who do.  I’m more sensitive at that time and everything feels so much more.. more.  BUT… I also squirt and occasionally gush when I cum.  And Diesel makes me GUSH.  It’s a little insane.  I drink glasses and glasses of water during our sessions so far and I gush oodles and oodles of times.  He seems to like marathon sessions.  (which I love.  I love great one-timers too).   Continue Reading »

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The Cats Will Eat Me…


I really dislike my brain sometimes.  I woke up this morning with my brain churning a little.  I noticed it and realized what was happening.  Every now and then I start spinning about something.  I used to see Great Date do this, and it’s how I finally realized I did it too.

Sometimes it’s fear.  Sometimes I feel a little afraid and my mind casts about to understand my fear.  The house is not on fire.  The cats are okay.  Maybe I had a nightmare I don’t remember.  I don’t know, but my mind is an unkind place.  I cast doubts around about my worth.. my friendships.  I chew on the edge of my relationships.  I pull up reasons I should be afraid or sad or that things could be bad.  I pull up real and imagined evidence for how I suck.  I tell myself mean things.  I am the voice in the dark.

catsI’ve learned over time that this is just me petting a worry stone.  I can spin up elaborate bad things, and I know it.  I’m cherry picking the little rotten things to make problems that don’t exist.  I’m fine.  I’m more than fine.  I’m happy.  I’m here in my quiet apartment with my sweet kitties.  I live in a neighborhood I love.  I live in a city I love.  I have a family that I love that loves me.  I’m making the best choices I can and I’ll be ok. My relationship(s) are good.

And I learned to pull out the anti-venom for poisonous thoughts.

Continue Reading »

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Standard Operating Procedure


When I was in the Army we had these written manuals for almost everything.  They were called SOP’s or Standard Operating Procedures.  They are the things that explain how everything runs.  Writing an SOP means asking yourself about all kinds of conditions and practices and really defining what you know and what you’ve learned to be the best way to do things.  You often revise them, especially if you learn something.  And I realized I have an SOP of sorts for dating.  I’m not new at this anymore and I’ve worked out a few things for me.

SOP circuit
It’s not that I think people would ever need to jump through hoops to date me.  It’s that I’ve just asked myself a lot of questions and I have found some answers now.  Part of that is being an adult for a while.  Part of that is being poly for a while.  Part of that is bitter experience and part of it is reading other’s wisdom, talking to people about what works for them, and thinking about things.  I’ve published 578 blog posts.  I’ve also written 48 drafts that I kept and trashed 3 blogs and made about 10 blog posts private.  That in no way makes me an expert on bupkiss, but it does mean I’ve been thinking.

Continue Reading »

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Love Like That


May you all be loved like this:

It’s all I ever wanted.  To be loved like this.  To have a thing like this dedicated to me.

And I am.

How did you know Ani would say it best?  You surprise me.  You surprise the hell out of me.

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Somebody that I used to know


I was just reading old messages to my blog and a link I missed a million years ago, to a blog I wrote a few years back and it linked to this song.

———-

Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
Told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it’s an ache I still remember

———-

I had my biggest break up a few years ago, and it’s taken me a while to sort it all out.  It was like when my father died and I found myself thinking of things and feeling things I hadn’t thought about since I was 14.  His death just kinda shook our snow globe.  

My divorce was like that too.  Did you ever notice how things we don’t deal with come out sideways?  I find the great lessons are like onions for me, and I peel back layer after layer after layer.  I learn about being vulnerable over and over, or about extending trust again and again, just in new and deeper ways. 

It takes a while after a break-up to sort out reality from hopes and habit.  It’s hard to see a relationship for what it is when I’m in it.  I spent too long in some relationships, trying to make myself happy with what they were so I didn’t have to do the work of being true to myself and leaving. 

I spun sugar out of air, making connections where they didn’t exist and seeing the best in everyone at the detriment of the truth.  I overlooked that selfishness or that drinking problem or that inability to be honest. I put up with his utter inability to handle emotion and told myself I was a good person for helping him learn, except.. did he learn?  I said “he’s just tired” and “she’s just feeling stressed”.  I tried to be agreeable when I was stood up or pushed off or managed.  I forgave so easily because I just wanted them to go back to them loving me.  Breaking up after that feels like waking up.  

We repeat the patterns we’ve learned over and over again, don’t we?  We are always trying to work out those first relationships.. make them love us, prove we can stay, show ourselves and the world how great we are to make this work.. we’ll make this work dammmit… 

And the thing is that this isn’t a dress rehearsal.  We have one life. What are we shutting off every time we do this?  Why do we plead and pour and cajole and beg to make things that really shouldn’t last?  And when they do come apart, why is it so hard to let them go and handle all the remnants.  And why do we run away from taking the real chances at love because we don’t want to lose our security? Continue Reading »

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The Jinx?


I met someone.  Yes again.  Yes I get how much I sound like a broken record.

xray foot in mouth“I met someone and they seem great.  Oh damn. i was wrong”.

I gave up on dating for a bit.  After the married cheater fooled me and the hipster dude negged me, and a few zillion other mostly icky exchanges online, I threw up my hands and said “let’s focus on friendships, eh?”.  And that’s the plan.  I’m just going to live my nice full life and do the things I like.  Fuck dating for the moment.  And then someone sorta just happened.  Let’s call him Diesel.

Diesel is cute.  He’s cuter even than his pics.  And holy crap, does he have a nice body. He’s strong and cut, with long lean muscles and darker coloring that accents his white smile.  And he has maybe the largest cock I’ve ever seen in real life (maybe the second largest.. I’m not sure.. the last one was when I was 15 and it’s not like I measured either dick in question).  But all of that isn’t why I met him. Continue Reading »

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